Anonymous asked if my cutting was conscious or unconscious.
Also in relation to self harm nvsblyxstn18 asked;
I'm curious to know. Do you remember the very first time you cut? What set that first time in motion, why cutting? What was going through your mind? What did it feel like? I'm hoping you can expand on this, more than just a few answers. Take me (us) back to that time as if we were there too.
Typically, it's an unconscious action. I don't realise I'm doing it until it's done. My partner has often suggested to do something other than cutting myself but I don't even think about it, it just happens, almost as natural as breathing.
See my blog here about self harm where someone else also asked about it.
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Mood Incongruence
outolumo26 November 2013 22:35
Just to open the discussion, and having gone through the FAQ... "Have you had any mood-incongruent psychotic symptoms?"
Thanks for your question. Yes, I often have mood incongruent symptoms, would I say they were psychotic? I don't know, maybe. I guess it depends who is asking!
One of my main "symptoms" as it were is suicidal ideation. Apparently, recurrent suicidal behaviour or ideation is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. I guess then it's no surprise that I have this.
I have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 15. These were not cries for help. These were intense desires to end my life owing to an event that has happened. My first attempt at 15 was a combination of reasons with the biggest driving force being the bullying I suffered at school. I took a huge amount of painkillers and downed some vodka. I immediately threw it all back up having never tried to drink neat vodka before! My second attempt was at 20. I was making a huge change in my life and I was in a relationship with someone who decide he didn't want to be a part of that change. He called me up and dumped me! Once again, I went for he overdose option. I gathered as many painkillers as I could from the people around me, I'd say I ended up with about 100 or so. I took them all and then went to take a shower. I collapsed in the shower and the next thing I know I woke up in bed! According to the people around me, I'd collapsed and possibly started fitting. A friend then stuck her fingers down my throat to force me to vomit what I had taken. I was also given something to drink that I didn't like (orange juice I think) which made me vomit some more. I then spent the rest of that day in bed feeling like someone had hit me over the head with a sledge hammer! The third and final attempt was at 27. Again, this was down to a relationship ending. I went for the Sam option of overdose as I remembered how easy it was. However, just to be sure, I also had a litre of vodka, half of which I'd already consumed and a razor blade. I took myself off to the local park/woodland area and I'd decided that if the overdose didn't kill me, I'd slit my wrists and walk into the lake - I can't swim! Once again, I was saved from that. I'd taken approximately 20 pills having already consumed half a litre of vodka. I wanted to take more but my phone started ringing. It happened to be one of my best friends. I'd made a vague post on Facebook that she read and immediately called me. She stayed on he phone with me for about an hour. She told me if I didn't go home that she would alert the police.
Feeling suicidal is not something I actively think about. It seems to be a thought that is always there and isn't helped by the voices. I can be the happiest person in the world yet I cannot walk over a bridge without a voice daring me to jump off. I've learned to ignore the voice now for the most part. When I'm in a catatonic state I will find myself having wandered to a high point. There is never any real intention to jump off though.
Another mood incongruent symptom I have suffered is delusions. When I am feeling manic, he delusions are consistent with my mood. I often feel invincible or "all powerful". However, I sometimes feel this way when I am depressed. I have also had delusions of grandeur. I believe that I am some sort of heiress with insurmountable amounts of money and I will go spending like it's the end of the world!
I would say that these are the only 2 incongruent symptoms I have suffered and if you were to ask a medical professional they would indeed say that they are psychotic.
I have attempted suicide 3 times since I was 15. These were not cries for help. These were intense desires to end my life owing to an event that has happened. My first attempt at 15 was a combination of reasons with the biggest driving force being the bullying I suffered at school. I took a huge amount of painkillers and downed some vodka. I immediately threw it all back up having never tried to drink neat vodka before! My second attempt was at 20. I was making a huge change in my life and I was in a relationship with someone who decide he didn't want to be a part of that change. He called me up and dumped me! Once again, I went for he overdose option. I gathered as many painkillers as I could from the people around me, I'd say I ended up with about 100 or so. I took them all and then went to take a shower. I collapsed in the shower and the next thing I know I woke up in bed! According to the people around me, I'd collapsed and possibly started fitting. A friend then stuck her fingers down my throat to force me to vomit what I had taken. I was also given something to drink that I didn't like (orange juice I think) which made me vomit some more. I then spent the rest of that day in bed feeling like someone had hit me over the head with a sledge hammer! The third and final attempt was at 27. Again, this was down to a relationship ending. I went for the Sam option of overdose as I remembered how easy it was. However, just to be sure, I also had a litre of vodka, half of which I'd already consumed and a razor blade. I took myself off to the local park/woodland area and I'd decided that if the overdose didn't kill me, I'd slit my wrists and walk into the lake - I can't swim! Once again, I was saved from that. I'd taken approximately 20 pills having already consumed half a litre of vodka. I wanted to take more but my phone started ringing. It happened to be one of my best friends. I'd made a vague post on Facebook that she read and immediately called me. She stayed on he phone with me for about an hour. She told me if I didn't go home that she would alert the police.
Feeling suicidal is not something I actively think about. It seems to be a thought that is always there and isn't helped by the voices. I can be the happiest person in the world yet I cannot walk over a bridge without a voice daring me to jump off. I've learned to ignore the voice now for the most part. When I'm in a catatonic state I will find myself having wandered to a high point. There is never any real intention to jump off though.
Another mood incongruent symptom I have suffered is delusions. When I am feeling manic, he delusions are consistent with my mood. I often feel invincible or "all powerful". However, I sometimes feel this way when I am depressed. I have also had delusions of grandeur. I believe that I am some sort of heiress with insurmountable amounts of money and I will go spending like it's the end of the world!
I would say that these are the only 2 incongruent symptoms I have suffered and if you were to ask a medical professional they would indeed say that they are psychotic.
I hope that this answers your question fully. Please do let me know if there are any points you need clarifying.
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